When I first started For Gail So Loved the World, I was searching for community.
I was searching for my voice, as a writer, as a spiritual sojourner and as an activist.
I was searching… for healing through the written and spoken word.
I was actually, searching for Jesus, believe it or not.
When I look back over the 100+ posts and dozens of vlogs on YouTube, in the last two years, I realize that I have lived my life inside out.
And I’ve somehow managed to remain respected as a professional in my “day job.”
We get raw sometimes and have no place to take these feelings.
We get lost sometimes and have no idea where we can admit it.
We get real sometimes and feel like no one else is trying it.
My Facebook pages and these posts have been my external process, in hopes that the boundless love that I have for the world could bloom into a community of readers and folks who share light with one another.
And that community has certainly come into fruition in many ways!
Specifically, in the last year, my online community has shared endless memories with me and I have walked with them through many life changes as well.
For me, here are a few highlights of just 2013:
* I said goodbye to my fur baby, Dre, of 12 years.
* I traveled to LA in order to appear on Our America, face the leader of a deceptive organization by representing survivors of reparative therapy and Christian Fundamentalism.
* My family nursed my mom through a life-changing surgery.
* I published my second book, Enlightened-ish, which discusses the awakening that came through trauma in 2011-2012. (Only to later temporarily pull it from publication until AuthorSolutions could resolve their questionable approach regarding distribution and copyright.)
And now, in only the last few months, I’ve launched a new business in order to support self-published written and spoken word artists, prepared to see my mom relocate out of the area for the betterment of her health and walked a painful path with my body that is leading to at least one surgery…
We have shared… so much.
And the truth is that my vision for my life a few years ago was that I am nothing but a “conduit” for Light and Love. I trusted that no matter how much I was putting “out” there for the world, I would always have an endless supply of creativity, hope and encouragement for others.
Love would flow through me…
Light could move through me…
And as beautiful as this vision has been, I realize now…
I deserve to contain it sometimes, not simply facilitate it.
I am human and in all of my freedoms, what I rarely do is mindfully create some space for me to heal and just ‘be’ for more than a few days.
Now, the funny part is that even in taking a cyber-sabbatical, I will still be working on Teaching Memoirs and I will also be working hard at my non-profit, which fuels my soul in dozens of ways. I will be writing and connecting with anyone who comes across my path and yet, the silence on my blog (aside from events/happenings) will feel so strange. The silence on my Facebook page, even more foreign.
But, like I said in Enlightened-ish (which will be available again soon), self-love is a key ingredient in awakening. I have loved and cared for myself and my own life, but this year has brought me to an awareness of my limits.
And I believe now, that limitations teach us what truly matters.
I am more than a conduit for light and good things – I must also receive, contain and experience fully, in my own body and mind, the pleasure that comes from Love.
I don’t believe we create our dis-ease… but I do believe we must be response-able to it and not simply approach all illness as a mechanical/chemical and ultimately purely physical malfunction in an otherwise healthy existence. In short, I am not responsIBLE for the way my body has processed itself in light of years of good and “bad” stress, but I am response-ABLE to ensure that my limitations are honored.
It’s time I find the Freedom to Heal.
It’s interesting then, isn’t it, that when I first started blogging, I was in search of Jesus….
Why was I searching for a martyr? A savior-figure? A Healer?
Maybe what I was really searching for, was someone who could love, be loved and still… be human.
Perhaps that is the closet description of any savior figure who has any value at all…
So instead of Jesus, I found a thirty-something curly-haired, open-hearted activist/pre-school director who tread as gently as possible in the lives of those who engaged in her writings and poetry through an online forum until…
She looked at her cross and said, “Meh, that story is tired.”
And for a few months, she put down her burdens…
And picking up the pace on pleasure.
I will see you again, soon-ish.